Monday, June 26, 2006[posted by jaed at 12:45 PM]
We're the UN, and we're here to help you
*ring* *ring* *ring*
Hello! You've reached the United Nations. Your call *is* important to us!
Please listen to the following options:
Par francais, s'il vous plait appuyez sur "neuf".
If a neighboring country has invaded and annexed yours, press 1 for an emergency meeting of the Security Council, to be held within 30 days.
If your local dictator has been arresting and displacing political opponents and their families, friends, and people from the same village en masse, press 2 for an official Statement of Concern.
If you are the local dictator of an oil-rich country, press 3 to set up a humanitarian-aid scam. Remember our motto: ""We can do business with you!"
If your racial, ethnic, linguistic, or religious minority is being hunted down and murdered wholesale by a government-sponsored militia/terrorist group, press 4 to request a visit by a Special Rapporteur on Human Rights.
If you and your family are the last of your people left alive, press 5 instead to trigger an investigation by the Secretary General concerning possible violations of the International Convention on Genocide.
If you are Jews and are under attack from your neighbors, press 6 for a Security Concil condemnation of the "cycle of violence".
If your country has just experienced a serious natural disaster accompanied by great loss of life, and is consequently in need of immediate assistance with food, water, shelter, and other necessities, press 7 for a team to be dispatched in order to set up a "coordination and opcenter" in the 5-star hotel closest to the disaster zone. (Before requesting a "coordination and opcenter" team, please make certain that the hotel can provide international fax services, a suitable press conference facility, and twenty-four hour room service.)
If you require peacekeeping services, press 8 to dispatch a squadron of blue-helmeted UN troops. Please note: no warranty expressed or implied. Blue helmets will not be sent into combat situations, although a commemorative kaffeeklatch and art exhibit may be commissioned - free of charge! - should they stand by while 5000 or more people are massacred.
If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 011 on your telephone.
Thank you, and have a nice day.